Twitter is a dick

So I watched a movie last night but I made the mistake of announcing my intention to Twitter. Stupid stoopid dummkopf that I am.

It’s not that Twitter responded by announcing, “Darth is Luke’s daddy!” Or “Bruce is a ghost!” It was more subtle. Several commented that said movie was either good, bad or meh. But most commented on how emotional it was. “You’re gonna cry and cry and cry.” “Be prepared to cry.” “Keep a box of Kleenex near.”

Is this a bad thing? You’d think no but I’m about to argue a big honking YES it’s BAD.

I actually love emotional (tear-jerker) movies. I write horror most of the time so watching an emotional movie is simply glorious. Old Yeller. The Champ. Heck, during a fancy WGA screening of Return of the King I made one of them loud sucking in of air wimpering noises as I struggled not to weep. Earlier last night I teared up several times while watching Harry Potter 7.5. Damn that Severus, the bravest man I’ve ever known.

But tonight, while watching unnamed movie in question. Nothing. Did I feel an emotional surge or two? Sure. But my expectation had been highjacked. I was EXPECTING tears. And as a result my internal defenses were up. I did not hit the floor because I knew the punch was coming. In fact, I didn’t even get hit. Just sort of dodged in anticipation.

And that pisses me off.

Therefore, Twitter. You sir, are a dickhead.

Not only had I not asked for opinions, it occurred to me, every single early comment was by someone who had seen an early screening. You know, watching a movie early is not a life accomplishment giving you the right to blather on about your opinion.

If you wanna poop your opinion to the internet, great. Go for it. Start a blog. All the kids are doing it. A blog will make you important. You’re reading a blog now. See how very very important I am because of it? Then go on Twitter and say, I just saw Star Wars and here’s what I thought.

But there are things you should not do:

1. Please don’t mini-review on Twitter.

2. If I say I’m going to watch Star Wars, that does NOT mean, “Hey Twitter, what did you think of Star Wars?”

3. Please don’t live tweet your movie and or TV watching experience.

Of course there are no rules and I’m certainly not the boss of you. But I am the boss of me and here’s what may happen. If you break 1 or 3, then it’ll likely get you unfollowed. You break 2, it’ll likely get you blocked.

You see, I don’t wanna know. I’ve not seen the Hobbit trailer. Nor the Dark Knight trailer. Why would I? I’m going to go see the movies. What possible purpose would I have in seeing the trailers? To make sure the filmmakers are doing it right? Like I have any influence either way. Plus, Nolan, Jackson and teams have a pretty good track record. So, would I watch the trailers to add my two cents to the blur of noise about it on the internet? No interest. No, the reason I watch a trailer is to decide if I wanna see a movie. For a movie like Hobbit or Dark Knight, I’m already decided. I’m going to go. Therefore I stay away from the trailer. Like staying away matters. Twitter tells me everything about each trailer without asking if I want to know. And it’s the same thing Twitter says about everything. Some think it’s good, some think it’s bad, some think it’s meh. Movies are subjective. The Trailers advertising them are subjective. No one wins the debate. The only thing the debate manages to do is spoil details for me. Thanks Twitter. You are a dickhead.

BUT that’s what we’re good at. Manufacturing opinion. While China leads the world in exporting goods and services, we are world leaders of opinion. Movies. TV. Goods. Services. Deaths. Ideas. Breasts. You name it, we’ll tell you what we think of it. We’ll even opinionate about opinons.

I’m intrigued when someone who judges movies for a living speaks about against award shows that judge movies for a living and then proceeds to put out a year’s top ten list. But, that pretty much sums up Twitter. Millions of tiny opinions that don’t care about any other opinion.

Of course, this is just my opinion.

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7 thoughts on “Twitter is a dick

  1. Crap, I hope contributed as least as possible to this. If I did, sorry. Think I know which film you’re talking about too.

    Twitter can suck sometime. I’ve been the perpetrator and victim of 1, 2 and 3. More the victim than the perp, and I think being the victim made me less of a perp so that’s good, but still. One of my least favorite twitter genres is the mini-review so of course I’m stuck following a friend who practically issues one after every movie he sees, especially the early screenings.

    My biggest gripe though, which could practically be #4 on the above list if not take the #1 spot, are film bloggers discussing legit spoilers then crying “Spoilerphobe” when someone protests their BS. This summer a tentpole film got screened for critics so of course a few of them were tweeting the film’s details between the screening and the public release date, before thousands of followers. Generally that’s fine depending on how vague they stay but a line of dialogue got tweeted that pretty much gave away which one of the characters says it, which was indeed a spoiler for the film. In that same tweet, it was added that it was the best line of the film. Seriously, tweeting a line from a film then saying it’s the film’s best line. Assuming it is the movie’s best line of dialogue, I wonder if those film bloggers think their followers would rather experience that moment in their Twitter feed than in the actual movie?

    I said something, as nicely as possible, particularly because this particular blogger gets some serious pushback from many, especially regarding spoilers so he blocked me. Spoilerphobia, real or perceived, is the film blogger’s occupational hazard. Didn’t matter how carefully I addressed it. He often gets slammed for spoilers so I’m not shocked about the blocking. What was shocking was that he then posted an article on the site he manages about how spoilers are actually good for the moviegoing experience. I still can’t tell if he was joking or not by running that article.

    On the flip side, I generally don’t openly volunteer spoilery details on Twitter but I wasn’t careful one time when a friend asked about a film’s plotpoint, I made the mistake of answering publicly and not over DM. FML. Lose/lose.

  2. “I write horror most of the time so watching an emotional movie is simply glorious.”

    Are you saying that horror is not an emotional genre or that it is an emotional genre or something else?

    PS That is a question, not an opinion.

  3. Well, you’re not following me so I don’t have to worry about you unfollowing me. But I sure as fuck don’t want you to block me so I’ll keep this in mind.

    I have a tendency to tweet lines from a movie I’m watching, but I wouldn’t say I tweet the whole viewing experience.

    But as for 1 and 2, THANK YOU! I have to unfollow some media types just so they don’t ruin my movie experience. And I completely understand your point about knowing and deciding on seeing a movie without the need of trailers/previews. I’m like that too and have actually stood out in the theatre hallway until the previews are over just so they movie I’m really really looking forward to seeing isn’t dicked up for me.

    Okay, back to my pho. My lunch break ain’t all goddamn day. :o)

    – Jaz

  4. Great article. As someone who rarely sees movies in the theatre (sorry, I know that isn’t what a screenwriter wants to hear), I am constantly in danger of having plot twists and endings spoiled. The few times I have seen trailers in advance of a film, I found that the trailers contained All. The. Best. Scenes. Which made the rest of the film somewhat of a letdown. It’s like those primetime TV game shows showing previews — if I know Joe Blow is going to play for a million dollars, it kinda ruins the suspense. (Not remotely the same as what you’re talking about, but it sucks, just the same.)

    But I digress …

    I don’t have a personal Twitter account, or a blog, so I’m not in danger of spoiling anything for you. As a matter of fact, the last film I saw in a theatre was Drive Angry, and I kinda think you know how it ends. ;)

    Merry Christmas, Mr. Farmer.

  5. Hmmm…I sure do hope I haven’t been one of those dickheads. But if you’re still following me then I can only assume I’m safe… for now… until I decide to eat anything with anchovies, of course (which would be a big, heaving lump of a quarter past never). :D

    Live tweeting TV watching does my gourd in. Because us here in Oz-land (where all the wizards are) do not get shows at the same time as those screening in the US/Canada or UK. Ergo, we have to WAIT for things…mostly. And when the twidjit army gets their frakking blather on, it definitely ruins things for the rest of us. Of course the answer is to un-follow, but unfortunately, I generally like those selfishly annoying toerags.

    Quandary. I’m soaking in it. :)

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