The month of May consisted mainly of dead bugs on the windshield as I made a guh-zillion trips to Los Angeles. Was it worth it? Dunno.
I finally sat down with Mike Weber at Radar Pictures and told him my take on Amityville II. It was clearly a story that thought “outside the box” and that’s what he liked about it. However, Dimension didn’t like the added cost that “outside the box” created. I was asked to build another story around the parts of my take which they loved while staying inside the box this time. Ugh. Who wants to work inside the box? Inside the box we’ve seen a million times. I played around with it for about a week losing more and more interest until finally I told the managers to pass.
With every return to Pacific Grove, Mel and I would hook up with the PG crew. From left to right, Jeffery owns a Carmel shoe store. Monroe is a taxman from San Francisco. Elliot and Allen we know. The four did college together and I’m considering rewriting my own college history to include them as my alumni.
Then it was back to LA. I met with Bob Kosberg and Bruce Nash. Bruce lives in the world of reality TV. As a writer, I should have perhaps just kicked him in she shins but I ended up joining forces. You know, that whole, if you can’t beat them thing. Bruce had been toying with the idea for a horror flick and wanted to get into the Hostel/Saw game. I put a story to his idea and the agents started to set meetings.
Of course, my agents had some concerns. Thing is, genre films are hard to sell in a pitch. The reasons are simple. There are a hundred thousand genre scripts floating around out there and it’s much easier to spend money on something you can see rather than something that exists in Todd Farmer’s head. But, that’s the business. And I’m pretty good in a room. I jump around and do different voices. My villain speaks with a Russian accent so I pitch him with a Russian accent. You may pass but by the end of it you will have gotten my money’s worth.
Zak Kadison at Gold Circle was first to hear it. Bob did the set up and I pitched the story. Zak loved it, praised my performance and of course passed. Reason: We don’t buy pitches.
Next came Adrienne Biddle at Focus. Loved it. She even has a maquette of a heart with a stake thru it on the back of her desk. If anyone should get the wonder that is gore and severed heads, it would be Adrienne. And she did get it. But she passed. “We don’t buy pitches.” But again she praised my telling and told me the previous writer who had just pitched her had nearly put her to sleep. Praise is great but a check for six figures is always so much better.
And then came Disney. Yeah. I know. I was thinking the same thing. Disney? Walter freaking Disney? Never in a million years would they make a movie like this. But Kosberg had a relationship with Brad Epstein so off we went to the house of the rich rat. And surprisingly enough, Brad loved it. He was jumping around in his seat, reacting to all the disgusting bits and laughing where I’d inserted the humor. It was the perfect pitch.
The thing is, this pitch was always sort of a no-brainer. It’s Field of Dreams soaked in blood. If you sever it, they will come. Everyone gets that. You make it for 5 to 10 million and it opens at 30. Cha-ching, welcome to Hollywood.
Of course, Brad passed. “Walt would roll over in his grave.”
So it was back to PG. Where Mel, oddly enough continues to get more and more pregnant.
But, we can’t fly, so the baby shower in Kentucky has been cancelled. We toyed around with the idea of taking a train. San Francisco to Chicago and then down to Fulton but one way takes four days. 8 days on a train seems a bit extreme for going on 7 months pregnant. Oh well. Life gives you lemons you just gotta make lemonaid. I’m sure Izzie Rain will be more than happy sleeping in a cardboard box.
Soon enough it was back to LA where Kosberg and I sat down with Ashley Brucks of Dreamworks. The meeting started out great when Ashley informed Bob that one of their other projects just got the elusive green light. Great news for them, of course. So, I told Ashley our story. And it went great since she’s a giant fan of Saw and Hostel. But they passed. Although Ashley loves the genre, Dreamworks pays the bills. The Ring is as harsh as they’ll go and we pushed that envelope way beyond.
A quick meeting with FJ to discuss Sleepers where all is moving fast. Tokyopop has chosen the artist who is currently working up samples. FJ and I are now soul owners of the IP and all must deal with us. I should start in on the books by the year’s end.
I also had a meeting with Rupert Wainwright to discuss a script for rewrite. Rupert directed The Fog and the call went really well. I told him what I loved about the script and what I thought we could do to take the story to the next level. He spoke with the producers and the agents got involved. In the world of working writers this is all great news. Then the offer came in. It was…less than impressive. We countered and eventually passed.
On the drive back from LA at around 10:00 that night, 3 hours out of LA and 3 hours from PG my brother, Aarek, called to inform me that Grandad was in the hospital and would have surgery the following day. I called Mel and she worked the internet. The earliest I could get back there would be 3 hours after the surgery. So we decided to wait it out. Guess I’ll always regret that decision.
It bugged me that that Farmer side of the family didn’t get the news until so late but let’s be honest. The others have always disliked the Farmer side of the family. I’m not really sure why. Could be penis envy. The Farmers have always been known for having decent sized schlongs. Yeah, I’m gonna go with penis envy.
A medic in the army, my grandaddy stormed the beaches of Normandy. He used to tell me that his most used medical instrument was a saw and that it wasn’t uncommon to use the thing to amputate at a moments notice. Thus, only a few years shy of 90 he was now in the hospital to have his legs amputated. Call it irony I guess. Or maybe it was something else. The man had been on dialysis for years and gangrene had set in. Sure, I suppose the surgery was justified but I guess you gotta wonder if sometimes it might be better to just let a fella die with legs in tact.
My siblings poured in to see him before the surgery and said that under the circumstances he was in good spirits. Mel and I sent a card through the hospital’s email system and told him the name of his coming great granddaughter.
My grandfather had worked as a plant foreman for several million years. When I was a toddler there was an explosion at the plant and grandad was horribly burned. I remember my parents taking me to the hospital and standing outside as the ambulance arrived. There was my grandad, his face covered in black soot but his big white teeth were glowing in a smile when he saw me. As much pain as he was in, my feelings are what mattered to him. So, he smiled, called me his little buddy and told me that everything was fine.
And that was my grandad, kind, gentle and a worker like few others. He worked at that ol’ plant long after his retirement. He worked in his garden and made sure his yard was the best in three counties. The man would give you the shirt off his back. After Mel and I moved to Los Angeles, every Christmas he’d send us a check and tell us to have dinner on him.
I was the eldest grandkid. Call it timing but it was no secret that I was the favorite. My siblings as well. I pay my bills with creativity and it’s creativity I got from my grandma. My parents would go out to dinner and I’d stay with grandma and grandad and there was always some creative challenge involving construction paper and sparkles. And, of course, I’ve heard countless stories that my mother was the favorite as well. Perhaps favorite is hereditary.
Back at the hospital, my uncle, a preacher, was there and had brought some guru preacherman to play the hell and brimstone card. We’re gonna cut off your legs, George, so you’d better make your heart right with God. Grandad told my siblings that he didn’t like the guy. In fact, the words used were that he hated the guy.
Although Grandaddy George survived the surgery he passed away a few days later. We had just found out that Mel couldn’t fly and I didn’t want to be that far away so I had to rely on the siblings and my father to tell me about the funeral.
Of course the guru preacherman who my grandfather didn’t like was scheduled to speak. My brother, Rikki, approached my uncle and told him that grandad didn’t like the guy, but my uncle got angry and told Rikki that he didn’t really know his grandfather. Whatever. Rikki was simply confused. He thought the funeral was supposed to be about my grandfather’s wishes. Silly boy.
I’m told that Guru went on and on about how mean and stubborn my grandfather was. And how noble the guru preacherman was for trying so desperately to bring evil ol’ Grandad to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And oh, praise man! Praise him for his accomplishments because in the end Grandaddy George sang “Jesus Loves Me” and obviously now his heart swims in Heaven. Oh, thank you, guru preacherman. Thank you for your great works!
There was a slide show of pictures played at the funeral. I’m told that the Farmers were oddly enough missing from the collection.
So, I tell you what…when I’ve reached the end of the journey. Please sell my house, stick me in a nursing home then cut off my legs. Perhaps then I’ll sing “Jesus Loves Me” and all will be right in the world.
As far as I’m concerned this story is far more disgusting than anything Hollywood’s ever come up with.
So, it was back to LA with a swing by Dean’s to see his newly constructed back yard adult play area.
It’s always nice to suffer through a trip to Dean’s Epic Tier 3 house with his matching Tier 3 back yard while knowing that my bank account is hanging within just one of his countless pieces of stupidly expensive artwork.
The only good thing about Dean is that his 8 year-old son is now playing a hunter in World of Warcraft.
So, Kosberg and I met with Alex Franklin of the Weinstein Company. I’ve known Alex from his Lions Gate years and figured this pitch would be right up his alley. Oddly enough Alex passed. Just didn’t click for him. That surprised me and was sad considering Weinstein was one of the few places that actually “would” make this horrid little movie.
Next came Scott at Mandate. A good place for us since my coming-in-January, “The Messengers” was made there. Scott loved the pitch and the plan was to get us over to Ghost House to pitch Raimi’s crew. However, that never happened. Couple weeks later we got a pass.
Then was Jonathan Ruiz at New Regency. Liked the pitch, saw the potential, but passed.
Now in all things Hollywood each of these meeting were rescheduled a dozen times. Screen Gems postponed for the guh-zillienth time so the meeting was set for the 18th. For the first time, I said no. And you would have thought I’d been caught on film doggy styling a doggy. The message that came my way from the Nash office was, “Doesn’t he realize this is an important meeting?” Hah, I guess it’s only important when I need to reschedule. No where near as important when I’ve flown or drove to LA only to have one of you postpone. Regardless, Mel and I would celebrate our 13th years on the 18th and pitching severed heads would have nothing to do with it. Screen Gems would have to wait. Important or not.
13 years and now she’s knocked up. But we’re still doing our morning walks and as she grows out from the belly her insistence to strap 10 pound weights to her wrists has her more than able to whoop me in arm wrestling.
We went to one of our favorite restaurants where I decided that it would be me to first write my daughter’s name on a bathroom wall. IZZIE RAIN!
Of course, we’re still warcrafting. Dean and Mel are playing a bit more than I am but with so many trips out of town it’s been hard to keep up. We joined a new guild. Centered as they call themselves and we raid with them Tuesday and Thursday nights. Perhaps more when time allows.
So let’s talk Paramount. Met with Chad Hamiltion. Nice guy. But he passed before I’d even started the pitch. Kosberg was still doing his set up schpeel when Chad interrupted to very apologetically inform us that there’s no way Paramount would ever make Saw or Hostel or anything like it. But he wanted to hear the pitch. Sigh. I drove six hours to perform a story for no pay. I missed the raid for this! I could have gotten some epic Boots!
Although it was the fastest pass I’ve ever gotten it was another fun pitch. Chad loved the pitch and was quick to praise the story saying that he was impressed that as disturbing as it was, the gore was all plot driven. In the end he called my agents and is currently reading several of my samples.
Then it was off to Hyde Park where we sat down with Patrick Aiello. Patrick loved it and saw the potential profit. He even said if he had the money he’d finance it himself. Again, no-brainer. His boss was in Cannes and unfortunately they already had four genre projects. Convincing his boss would be an uphill battle and sure enough it was. A week later we got a pass.
Next came New Line where we met with George Waud and Jeff Katz. Both had worked Snakes on a Plane and loved the pitch. Katz and I first met while he was a New Line grunt back in the Friday the 13th days of DeLuca. As of yet we’re still in play at New Line but it’s been two weeks. Two weeks with no “yes” makes me think we’re looking at a soft pass.
Screen Gems had been something of a nightmare when it came to rescheduling. We’d been set to meet with Scott Strauss but now he was set to fly to Cannes and we’d have to wait until mid June to pitch. So Kosberg’s office called Eric Beckett to pitch to him instead. But Eric passed on the phone. He said they weren’t buying pitches. Then Scott called back and said he’d squeeze the meeting in before his flight.
We pitched Scott and he loved it (as has been the pattern). But Scott would have to convince Clint and that would be an uphill battle since they aren’t buying pitches. He did wonder how Sacchi at Lions Gate had responded since they had partnered on Hostel. But Sacchi wasn’t scheduled until the following week.
In the meantime, let’s go pitch Warner Brothers, a company known for Batman and Superman, who I was fairly certain would pass before I walked in the door. We met with Geoff Shaevitz and this time Bruce showed up with us. Of course, Geoff passed. “Love the story and you do an amazing pitch but we just can’t make that kind of movie.”
On the walk out, Bruce had concerns. So he gave me a list of things I should change. Basically he wanted to water it down. It was too in your face, in his opinion.
With only two meetings to go, Lions Gate and MTV, both of which would actually make a Saw or Hotel, I decided that I would not water it down and/or change the pitch in the 11th hour. Either someone is going to make a movie about shrunken heads…or they won’t.
It was a quick trip back to PG where we did the ocean walk with Rebecca, Allen and Elliot.
And Mel and I hit the doc’s office to see more pics of our gorgeous daughter. Bummer though. This time no pics. Mel told the doc that all was going well but she was getting some pretty hard kicks. The doc nodded with a look on her face that said, “Yes, I hear this all the time. Stop whining and man up.” So, instead of pictures we had the doc moving a microphone around Mel’s belly searching for the elusive Izzie Rain. Of course, our kid thought it was a game of hide-n-seek/kick-the-Can. The moment we’d hear the heartbeat suddenly there would be a SHCHMACK! Then silence.
Little Izzie was using the full range of her uteral environment to run quick stealth missions on the interloping microphone. The moment the mic would get too close she’d throw a well placed round-house or a solid but fear invoking judo punch…SCHMACK! And vanish like the deadly ninja assassin we no doubt expect her to be. This went on for about ten minutes until the doc was forced to give up through laughter and tears. And admitted, yes, your baby is quite strong and I think you’re in trouble.
IZZIE RAIN! Rock star. Fashion guru. Ninja Assassin.
So it was time for the last LA trip…
Where we met with Sacchi at Lions Gate and he got it. He saw the big idea, the story and more importantly the profit to be made. But the chance of Lions Gate financing this movie is pretty slim. Lions Gate acquires films already made…they don’t make them. The only shot is that Lions Gate and Screen Gems join forces. Now we just wait and see.
Friday morning my PC crashed. Just one more reminder that I should totally switch to Mac. So, I had breakfast with Dean then farted around in the Calabasas Baby’s R Us until my lunch meeting with Brad Foxhoven. Brad and I go back years. Back when he worked for John Woo’s Tiger Hill. I’ve worked Demonik, Psychopath and Possessed with Brad and our current meeting was to discuss two new projects. One may end up with The Rock attached while the other has Depp attached. Brad has joined forces with everyone from Del Toro to the Scott brothers. And based on the ideas I’ll work on these two new projects next week.
Back on the road to MTV…
…where we met with Greg Goldin…well, I met with him. Kosberg was running late as he and Bruce got tied up while having lunch with Penny Marshall. I’d met Greg before, while pitching the video game version of The Suffering to he, Radar pictures and Stan Winton’s people. Kosberg arrived as I was closing in on the third act and as with just about everyone else, Greg loved the pitch. He said MTV would certainly make this kind of movie and that was Friday. So, as of Monday, no word yet.
But the drive back was a good one because for the moment, MTV was my last reason to go to LA. Of course, Saturday we joined forces with Elliot and Allen and walked the ocean. We saw the lawyer and the principal, also known as the Bob and the Rebecca who just gave birth to their second.
And Mel and I drove all over middle California spending money at assorted baby stores.
I also dove into a new spec and have a string of ideas for more. I think June will be the month of writing as much as possible and meeting as little. Of course, there’s still Anomaly to work on. Dean and I are still pushing Thunder into a Graphic Novel and I’m guessing Issue 1 of Alien Pig Farm should be finished any day now. And we ordered the Bugaboo Cameleon so at least Mel will be able to push me around the neighborhood very soon. I got that going for me.
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