Still Angry

First off, I’m not really angry. “Drive Angry” was originally called, “Don’t Drive Angry” and named after Bill and Phil’s pickup driving skillz above a rock quarry. If you’re gonna name a movie after a line in GROUNDHOG DAY then not only are you my kind of gal, you likely ain’t the angry type. BUT there are those who assume that the title along with my lack of journal sugar-coating translates to my being angry. Well, I ain’t angry, damnit.

As for my lack of sugar-coating, what’s wrong with telling it like it really is? You want to know why Hollywood is a mess? Great. I’ll tell ya. It’s because everyone is sugar-coating it. Getting your foot in the door takes massive sacrifice. The reason you do it is because you buy into the sugar-coating. You believe that there’s this special VIP room where you get your money for nothing and your chicks for free. Oh my friends. Don’t fall for that. This was a ruse created by them what write the checks. Work for nothing now because this will get your foot in the door AND once inside… your dreams will come true! Not exactly. Once inside you might find it a fraction easier to get your next magic bean job. I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m just saying don’t be naive.

Of course, no one says this. At least not out loud. Well, I do. And as a result some people consider me angry. Not angry. Just honest.

The Drive Angry Blu-Ray is out there. If you haven’t seen it and you like me at all then you’ll like it. We spend so much time in life trying to be like everyone else. Now’s your chance to be different. Go see the movie no on else saw.

It has Cage channeling Eastwood’s Stranger from HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER. John Milton. Rightfully named. Nic was perfect. He walked onto set and I kid you not, knew every line. I helped Patrick write the silly thing and when I walked on set to play Frank, the first word I spoke on film was “Line?”

Nic was an absolute professional. One day he pulled me aside and just dove into this big piece of heavy dialog. Warned me ahead of time that he’d cut all the vulgarity. That everyone else was tossing the F word left and right so he wouldn’t. Which was great. A “wish-I’d-thought-of-it-myself” moment. People ask Patrick and I if we were thinking about Cage when we wrote John Milton. The answer is no. But that’s because we never dreamt in a million years we’d ever get NICK CAGE!

Yet there I sat, next to Nic on the Bull by the Balls set while he ran his lines. You could have filmed it. He was that good right out of the gate. Then he asked me what I thought. To be honest I was a bit stunned. I am used to actors changing their lines. I don’t get offended by it. I’ve been on that side of the camera. I get it. Sometimes my own words, that flowed so effortlessly from my fingers, struggle to find their way out of my mouth. You gotta do what you gotta do. Make the part your own. So, again, I’m used to some heavy dialog petting. But Nic didn’t do that. The words were still mine and Patrick’s. What he did more than anything else, was cut. He made it lean. He cut the fat. I told him, “You’ve made us look like better writers.” And without cracking a smile he said, “Well, no. That’s not the point.” I still laugh about that. No. That wasn’t the point. The point was, he knocked John Milton out of the park.

Who does Amber Heard beat up in Drive Angry?

Let’s rephrase that.

Who does Amber Heard NOT beat up in Drive Angry? Tom Atkins. She does not beat up Tom Atkins. But that’s only because she wasn’t allowed to get out of the car during that scene.

The character of Piper was always my biggest worry. For me the story’s success or failure rested with Piper. She was the heart. I always thought it was a heck of a role. This point was proven once we started casting. So many great actresses delivered so many wonderful auditions. They loved that she was empowered. They loved that she didn’t have to screw or strip in order to be worthy. They loved that while tough as nails, she had heart. And that’s why she was always my biggest worry. The actress would have to hold her own in the boys’ club at the same time she had to be the heart of the film. Without her John Milton’s plan would fail. And all this had to be delivered in the simplest form possible. Amber Heard delivered. She became Piper.

I think it’s safe to say Amber and I became friends.

Most of this is likely due to the fact that she beat the crap out of me. She pulled her punches with Christa, but she did not cut the boys any slack. I snapped a picture at the end of the day. I should have taken a picture the next morning when the bruise had blossomed the size of grapefruit. Take a look at the scene where the cult drags Piper out of the church. Just ask Kendrick Hudson, Papajohn and Henry Kingi what it was like three against one. They’ll tell you they could have used a few more guys. I remember Billy Burke joking that he thought shooting a fight scene with the lovely Amber Heard would be more fun and less painful. She beat the crap out of all of us.

Amber told me that she loved the toenail polish scene because a role like this in other movies would require she get naked. I told her that was all Melanie. Mel suggested that having caught her cheating boyfriend, Piper wouldn’t be about sex, she’d be about dominance. I loved it. And, of course, I would have never thought of it. I have a dick. I told Patrick and he loved it too. So we wrote it in. When Amber mentioned her other nude scenes. I gave her a blank stare. She could not believe I’d not seen any of them. I told her, “You’re playing the surrogate daughter. I adore you but I’m not going to look at you naked right now.” And I didn’t.

A few months ago I watched the INFORMERS. Gulp.

Seriously. Look at that. She IS Piper. And that’s day one right there. She took the toughest role in an action movie and she glowed. She held her own and in most cases stood out. She became my friend. And she beat the crap out of me. By the way. There are men and more than a few ladies who would pay top dollar to be beat up by Amber Heard. Oh. And she spit on me. Over and over and over. And you KNOW there are folks who’d pay for that.

In the end, I simply couldn’t be more proud of her.

I knew Billy Burke’s face. And while I’ve seen him in several parts it was playing Daddy Twilight that stood out. It’s because Mel LOVES the books. So we go to the movies. And Billy is the guy I relate to. The normal guy surrounded by six packed werewolves and sparkly vampires. My gut reaction was, “He’s too nice to play Jonah.” Oh no my friends. That’s before I knew I was dealing with an actual chameleon. He plays a cross between Jims Jones and Morrison but with no penis. His performance is wicked.

While shooting he was just finishing his album REMOVED. He slipped Patrick and I a few tracks. That was the nuttiest part actually. Yeah yeah. Actor. Sings too. Heard that before. Then I listened to the tracks. Holy wow. Billy’s the real deal. I still listen to the CD. Our own assistant editor, Martin Bernfeld designed the cover. Billy and his wife shot one of the videos while in Shreve. I like that. I listen to the music and I’m reminded of the shoot. The high highs. And the eat dirt lows. His music is a part of me now. A part of my own soundtrack.

I mention High Plains Drifter often. And for several reasons. One, my mentor, Dean Riesner wrote it. His name’s not on it. But both Eastwood and Don Siegel have said his name should have been on it. Dean and the old Hollywood Writer’s Guild didn’t get on well. He had next to nothing nice to say about them. Likely due to all the movies he worked on that he never got credit. I mentioned his working on STARMAN to Sally King Carpenter once and her reply was, “The real writer of Starman.” Her saying that actually made me tear up. Oh. I know that’s an awfully sensitive thing to admit but remember folks, I live in a world where writers rarely get respect. To see it shown to a fella who not only taught me a great deal but spent many a Christmas morning in my home opening Santa treasures, this was a big deal.

Which brings us to the above. The Accountant’s bridge. Not sure what else to call it. If you’ve seen HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER then you recall the Stranger’s arrival. Seemingly materializes on horseback through the shimmering heat of the horizon. Behold our version. Or at least our location. By the way, we didn’t end the bridge like that. That’s how we found it. And by the way, if you zoom in you’ll see giant black birds feasting on some carcass. How perfect is that?

I can recall in one screening, the moment the camera rose up to reveal young master Fichtner strolling across the bridge, a bounce in his step, the audience cheered. No idea who his character was. Or where he’d come from. They were cheering the actor. Gives me goosebumps just writing that.

Bill Fichtner. You quite literally can stick a fork in me. If Drive Angry had made me the millions those who ask to borrow money assume it made me, then I’d be happy to retire now because we wrote some words that attracted Bill Fichtner. Not only did I get to meet him, not only did I get to act with him… we became friends. We’re talking about the guy who shook the hand of the daughter of the bravest man he’s ever met!

BEHOLD! If you’ve seen the movie you won’t recognize this. Teaser time. Buy the DVD/Blu. This deleted scene is on it.

Now. This may come as a shocker but Drive Angry didn’t do so well at the Box Office. And here’s the thing. I wanted people to see it because I love it. I get joy from it and part of the thrill of being a storyteller is sharing that joy. It’s actually a HUGE part of it. Writers write. It’s not a choice you see. If I don’t write then bodies start to stack up under the porch. It’s a form of personal exorcism. Sharing the written world is CLIMACTIC! It’s Max Von Sydow screaming that the power of Christ compels you. But… alas, I didn’t get to share this story as much as I’d liked. As for Box Office success…pfft. What do I care? MBV3D pulled in over 100 million at the box office and I didn’t see a dime of that. Didn’t do a thing for the career. Not one job out of it. Drive Angry pulled in a whole lot less and I didn’t see a dime of that either.

BUT… I would have liked to have seen that success for Bill. His part was special. Those who have seen it would agree. Heck, even those who didn’t get the movie GOT Bill.

I wanted that BO success for him. He deserved it. And for Amber, who stood out because of her strength and heart without having to take her shirt off. I wanted it for Billy because you can’t look at Charlie in Twilight then Jonah in Drive Angry without being forced to admit this guy is the real deal. I wanted it for Nic. Even working as much as he does he still takes the parts that are different. That are challenging. That take him to places unknown. They all went above and beyond. They deserved it.

I wanted it for the crew who worked long hours on a tight budget. For Nathan Amondson who became a friend and a Beatle. For the Teamsters who had my back without question. For the P.A.s who worked the hardest and got paid the least. For extras, like Wayne Villar who played dead while half naked and covered in soot for days without once complaining. For Kenneth Wayne Bradley who took the redshirt name of Man With Wig and turned it into a stand-out performance. I wanted it for the standins, Todd, Will, Nathan and Michelle. I wanted it for Tim and Oakley and Kim and Con and all the kids who drove fast, jumped and lit themselves on fire for us.

I wanted it for Patrick. I wanted it for him the most. What he was able to accomplish for our budget… what he did in the time we hand… against the challenges we faced… others would have failed. Our whole movie was shot for less than the opening of Fast Five. He didn’t complain. He did the job. And he did it better than others could have. Go on. Ask those in the know if it isn’t true. Ask De Luca. Ask Millennium. Patrick deserved it.

But sometimes life gives you lemonade when what you want is Vodka with a limon slice. All you can do is down that lemonade, feel refreshed and move on. Focus on the bright side.

Focus on Tom Atkins! We get to make movies with Tom Atkins. You know, his only note when he read Halloween 3D was that he should have more sex with the girls. I gotta tell ya, I completely agree with that.

I have ZERO regrets. We made the movie we wanted to make. We have fast cars and fire! We got to create Skywalker Sound at Skywalker Ranch! I hope you get to see it on Blu-ray. And why wouldn’t you? We have Nick Cage drinking beer out of a skull. We have Amber Heard punching, spitting, bitting and jumping. We have Billy Burke beating Cage with a femur. We have Bill Fichtner saying, “You. Fat Fuck. Come here.” We have Tom Atkins! We have David Morse! We have Christa’s boobs and my butt! What more could you want?!

So that’s it for now. I could report on May but it’s a pretty easy report. We wrote. Alot. We pitched. Alot. I moved. Once. I’m back in the haunted office building. More on that as it develops. I went to Texas for the remarkably awesome Dallas Comic Con.

For that I’ll do its own post. But later. Not now. Now I’m sickly. I’m gonna pop some pills and play Angry Birds til I sleep.