I have spent more time than I should have over the years contemplating the art of the handshake. Near as I can tell there are five basic handshakes.
Two are acceptable…three are of the devil.
The Limp Fish
If you’re sticking your hand out there to simply be squeezed then…then you are a little creepy. A good, solid, firm handshake…it’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.
The Big Dick
Then there are the boneheads that squeeze too hard. You tend to find this from men who wear wife-beater T-shirts and/or snake skin boots. This handshake is predominately found East of the Mississippi and is usually an attempt to hide the existence of a small genital member. A good, solid, “firm” handshake.
Those are two unacceptable handshakes.
The Firm Handshake
This is your goal. In a forward movement, arm extended, palm to the left, contact. Wait for it. Thumbs lock, squeeze. Not too hard. Not too soft. Successful handshake established.
The Charmer
This is more a pre-50’s and/or European handshake but can still be very effective when used at the right time.
Hand extends, palm to the left…thumbs lock. Light squeeze and twist…until your hand is on bottom then pull. You bring the woman’s hand to your lips and lightly kiss.
FYI: If you use this technique with a dood, there’s a good chance you will get belted.
And this brings us to the final handshake. That which Satan himself uses on a regular basis.
The Premature Ejaculatory Handshake
I know you’ve experienced it. You go for the handshake but the “squeeze” comes too fast. Thumbs never locked. You find your fingers in a clasp. You have no control. You are at the mercy of your acquaintance. You are incomplete.
I used to wonder…what did I do wrong? How did I screw it up?
Because I can’t recall ever squeezing someone’s fingers short of the thumbs locking. So clearly I must have been doing something wrong to allow myself to get boinked in the middle of the handshake.
Ahh, but with age comes experience and with experience comes knowledge.
I now realize that I was not screwing up after all. Because I never squeezed early. If your fingers get caught half in and half out of a handshake…it wasn’t you! You did nothing wrong!
Your partner in this unspoken bonding premature’d.
You did right…you were waiting for the thumbs to lock before going for the squeeze! It’s your partner in the handshake that came too fast!
Why? I don’t know. Nervousness seems the best bet. Perhaps you intimidate. Perhaps there are homophobic issues and your partner in the handshake simply wants to get in and out before you realize they find you hawt.
Clearly my journey for knowledge is incomplete. But I’m on it. I will find the answer. I will solve the mystery.
For now…if you find yourself catching an unsuspecting handshake victim’s fingers in a vice…then stop it. Take a breath. Wait for the thumbs to lock…then squeeze.
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