Twitter is a dick

So I watched a movie last night but I made the mistake of announcing my intention to Twitter. Stupid stoopid dummkopf that I am.

It’s not that Twitter responded by announcing, “Darth is Luke’s daddy!” Or “Bruce is a ghost!” It was more subtle. Several commented that said movie was either good, bad or meh. But most commented on how emotional it was. “You’re gonna cry and cry and cry.” “Be prepared to cry.” “Keep a box of Kleenex near.”

Is this a bad thing? You’d think no but I’m about to argue a big honking YES it’s BAD.

I actually love emotional (tear-jerker) movies. I write horror most of the time so watching an emotional movie is simply glorious. Old Yeller. The Champ. Heck, during a fancy WGA screening of Return of the King I made one of them loud sucking in of air wimpering noises as I struggled not to weep. Earlier last night I teared up several times while watching Harry Potter 7.5. Damn that Severus, the bravest man I’ve ever known.

But tonight, while watching unnamed movie in question. Nothing. Did I feel an emotional surge or two? Sure. But my expectation had been highjacked. I was EXPECTING tears. And as a result my internal defenses were up. I did not hit the floor because I knew the punch was coming. In fact, I didn’t even get hit. Just sort of dodged in anticipation.

And that pisses me off.

Therefore, Twitter. You sir, are a dickhead.

Not only had I not asked for opinions, it occurred to me, every single early comment was by someone who had seen an early screening. You know, watching a movie early is not a life accomplishment giving you the right to blather on about your opinion.

If you wanna poop your opinion to the internet, great. Go for it. Start a blog. All the kids are doing it. A blog will make you important. You’re reading a blog now. See how very very important I am because of it? Then go on Twitter and say, I just saw Star Wars and here’s what I thought.

But there are things you should not do:

1. Please don’t mini-review on Twitter.

2. If I say I’m going to watch Star Wars, that does NOT mean, “Hey Twitter, what did you think of Star Wars?”

3. Please don’t live tweet your movie and or TV watching experience.

Of course there are no rules and I’m certainly not the boss of you. But I am the boss of me and here’s what may happen. If you break 1 or 3, then it’ll likely get you unfollowed. You break 2, it’ll likely get you blocked.

You see, I don’t wanna know. I’ve not seen the Hobbit trailer. Nor the Dark Knight trailer. Why would I? I’m going to go see the movies. What possible purpose would I have in seeing the trailers? To make sure the filmmakers are doing it right? Like I have any influence either way. Plus, Nolan, Jackson and teams have a pretty good track record. So, would I watch the trailers to add my two cents to the blur of noise about it on the internet? No interest. No, the reason I watch a trailer is to decide if I wanna see a movie. For a movie like Hobbit or Dark Knight, I’m already decided. I’m going to go. Therefore I stay away from the trailer. Like staying away matters. Twitter tells me everything about each trailer without asking if I want to know. And it’s the same thing Twitter says about everything. Some think it’s good, some think it’s bad, some think it’s meh. Movies are subjective. The Trailers advertising them are subjective. No one wins the debate. The only thing the debate manages to do is spoil details for me. Thanks Twitter. You are a dickhead.

BUT that’s what we’re good at. Manufacturing opinion. While China leads the world in exporting goods and services, we are world leaders of opinion. Movies. TV. Goods. Services. Deaths. Ideas. Breasts. You name it, we’ll tell you what we think of it. We’ll even opinionate about opinons.

I’m intrigued when someone who judges movies for a living speaks about against award shows that judge movies for a living and then proceeds to put out a year’s top ten list. But, that pretty much sums up Twitter. Millions of tiny opinions that don’t care about any other opinion.

Of course, this is just my opinion.